It's In His Sneeze

Ladies—prepare yourself for some "inside knowledge." 

That's right:

Sex advice from a man.

Technically, I wouldn't be allowed to share this under normal circumstances. But because this blog affords me some anonymity, I can divulge some inner secrets that you may find helpful without repercussions.

Sex is always a bit of a leap of faith. For both parties. But the risks for the woman will almost always outweigh the risks for the man.

As such, any leverage she can assert prior to that decision is incredibly valuable. 

Imagine this:

You, a female, are on a date. You and he are seated across from each other in a restaurant for dinner. As the date proceeds, you may find that your male date projects every positive signal of virility you may be looking for in a potential mate.

If the moment should arise later (or right there on the table if things go remarkably well), when your best guesses about your prospective partner's romantic stamina are put to the test...

...you may find yourself -- underwhelmed. All the virile signs you thought you saw must have been mistaken.

Is there no verifiable way to know, for certain, beforehand whether or not your dude is a dud?

What if there was?

What if I told you there was a method to accurately deduce a man's endurance before going through all that pesky (and sometimes risky) trouble?

What if there was a simple and effective way to determine whether he can 'dance all night,' or can only trip the 'two-minute tango'?

The secret, as always, conceals itself in the most inconspicuous of places.

It's in his sneeze.

(That's where it is!)

Oh yes, it's in his sneeze.

(That's where it is!)

That's right. His sneeze.

Throughout your date, watch the man in question, taking special note of his sneezes.

If he's worth his salt, he will signal his performative abilities to you instinctively through a sudden and revealing sternutation.

This is the male's way of preparing his system for intercourse.

But the wizened and observant female will take this opportunity to look for clues as to his fitness and aptitude for love. 

Consider:

Is he a quick-sneezing trumpeter? 

Or is he a prolonging trombonist? 

Mark:

Does he sneeze once, abruptly, seemingly out of nowhere?

Or do his sinuses blast hornblast after hornblast into the open air, one after another, over and over, sometimes without any end in sight until you're exhausted just from watching?

Try to deduce whether or not he's giving you a little suggestive wink in between each projected cloud of nostril mist (though, admittedly, you may need a high-speed camera to catch it). 

You may find the former male disappointing when the evening's climax is achieved. 

The latter may be giving you insight into his abilities and suggest his eagerness to continue sneezing with you long into the waning hours of the night.

...If you're into that sort of thing.

Unbeknownst to, well, everyone outside of the male community, there is a sensitive cluster of nerves in the brainstem that controls sneezing buildup, sustenance and ejaculatory power. 

It just so happens to also control the same muscular system that operates the gentleman's loins.

(Is it "loins" or "loin"? Surely, "loin," unless there's more than one...right?)

As you watch him from across the table, suggestively peppering his steak, try to measure how many inward gasps he takes prior to him finally succumbing to the sneeze(s).

Is it one shallow gulp ("Ah—") followed by a rushed and meager exhale ("—choo!")? 

Or is it a series of deep, staccato, diaphragm-expanding inhalations—

"Ah— Ah— Ah— Ah— Ah— Ah— Ah— !" 

All building up to one monumental discharge that he can issue, seemingly on command?

"CHOOOOOOO—" *deep breath* "—OOOOOooooooooohhhhh!"

Does he close his eyes in shame before exploding?

Or does he maintain firm and confident eye contact with you throughout his projective outburst?

He may not be consciously aware of it, but after reading this, you will be. This display—as old as the male sex itself—is biologically designed to communicate his mastery of control and release to an interested female.

Or to an uninterested female. He's not particular.

But! If he is particularly smitten with you, he will continue his sensual sneeze sonnet, enticing you. His goal is to display this outburst until your desire for him is stirred to overflowing, compelling you to stand up from the opposing end of the table, grab him by the hand, and march him out of the restaurant to a place of solitude where you can gesundheit your brains out. 

(Unless urgency mandates using the restaurant table directly, as previously noted).

So, yes. The secret has long been hiding in plain sight.

It's in his sneeze.

(That's where it is!)

Oh yes. It's in his sneeze.

(That's where it is!)

Now, female reader, you may be asking yourself:

"Sure, this is all good to know for having some foreknowledge of this hypothetical man's stamina and endurance," you may say to yourself, impressed with this revelatory information I'm sharing.

"But," you continue, a dubious tone in your voice, "It does nothing to reveal to me other things of considerable import when estimating a man's ability to please his beau." 

True. Very true. Very very true. But there is more "love language" behind the vocabulary of a sneeze than meets the eye, madam. 

Or to the ear.

Perhaps you might be asking yourself how you might know a particular man's physical proportions. 

Are they diminutive or lofty? Are they narrow, or expansive? 

What if I told you that you could get a near-perfect reading on his precise latitude and longitude based on other subtle cues revealed through his now insistent litany of sneezes?

"Go on," I can practically hear you saying out loud to your screen, your eyes narrowing in curiosity.

I shall.

You may be pleased to know that a well-established correlation has been observed which suggests that length is directly proportional to sneeze pitch, and width is proportional to sneeze volume.

Counter-intuitively, the higher the pitch, the more grandiose; the lower in volume, the girthier. 

(I shan't apologize for the crudeness—you asked for it, after all.)

So, for instance, if a man sneezes a Middle C:

That is "average". 

"But what's average?" you ask. 

Look it up, pervert.

And as he's sneezing Middle C, if he's also sneezing at about the same volume as a nail dust and fume extractor (55-65 decibels, obviously), then you can look forward to an "average" experience, though the number of sneezes and the speed at which he sneezes should also be factored into your final prognosis.

But beware, ma chérie—if he sneezes a High A note:

Prepare yourself to be run over by a train. 

Add to this if his sneeze is so soft in volume as to scarcely be heard without craning your neck, cupping your ear, leaning forward over your own plate of uneaten supper just to hear it... watch out. 

If this is the case and these two signals are in harmony, be advised that you are on a date with a man who is concealing a pumpkin in his trousers. 

And to further belabor the point with a final example—if the sneezing you hear from the hopeful fellow skews lower on the music scale, hovering, say, around a low A0:

Then there's no need to worry because you shan't feel a thing, especially if he's sneezing with the force of a jet engine.

You may feel confident in your estimation that your date has brought with him a sewing needle, threaded into the fabric of his nether-regions.

Of course, men come in all shapes and sizes, and have varying degrees of performance ability.

Just because these examples group certain qualities together for convenience, they don't necessarily reflect what you may encounter while out in the dating field, accosted as you are sure to be by desirous sneezes on all sides of you, each singing its mating call of varying lengths and amounts, volumes and keys; all for you to dutifully decipher before making your modest choice.

But now, at least, you have some background knowledge on how you can accurately interpret these sneeze combinations in a manner that will better allow you to gauge what he may stand (or not stand) to offer you.

Each man is unique, and his sneeze has a story to tell. If you become suitably practiced at sneeze-genital divination, you may encounter other telling signs that could allude to other opportunities, or areas of concern.

Hark: 

What should you make of a man who doesn't sneeze even once during dinner? 

Sorry, sweetheart—he's just not that into you. 

What happens if he sneezes at every Jane, Tara and Mary that saunters by the table? 

You may be tempted to believe these are merely allergic reactions to their conflicting perfumes he smells as they pass. 

Do not be fooled! Surely, this is a dead giveaway that his heartfelt affections for you may be prone to stray. 

And if it's clear that he fakes his dinnertime sneezes to impress you, rest assured, he'll be faking orgasms before the night is through.

I could go on and on; but I left my handkerchief in my other breast pocket.

But hopefully, now, you can see—and appreciate—why this information is so carefully guarded among the male community.

In the wrong hands, this information could wrest from us the ancient and alluring art of mystery and romance that has been carefully curated by the male sex for hundreds of thousands of years.  

Just remember: with great power comes great responsibility. 

And: 

Don't forget to bring a box of tissues with you on your next date.

You may now be wondering to yourself, if you've made it this far, what assumptions could be made about the sneezes belonging to me, the author of this exposé?

You may be right to ask. 

However, to learn that...

It's in my sneeze.

(That's where it is!)