How Taylor Found Swift

People love dunking on cliches and platitudes. 

Puns and "small talk" are other adjacent forms of language that are also thoroughly groan-inducing.

Granted, these forms of "communication" (in the loosest sense of the term) represent language's lowest-hanging fruit one can offer while in rhetorical discourse.

I do not want to overstate their usefulness. But I also want to make a positive case for them that, while sickeningly neutral, platitudes do have some utility.

For all their hollowness, there is a simplicity and brevity to them that make them easy communicable ammunition when you're otherwise at a loss for what to say.

"Oh my god," 

"What, what is it?"

"My pet goat Aloysius has grown eight mutated spider limbs and is weaving a macabre web of pale fibrous thread in my house doorways. I believe he might be building a trap to catch and liquify my insides to slurp out for his nourishment!" 

Slight pause. You're not sure what to say. Enter: the platitude. 

"Don't overthink it." 

Because here's the other inherent value of a well-timed, milquetoast platitude. Regardless of the specific circumstances, they possess an immediate, universal applicability. What makes them unpalatable in the particular makes them handy in the general.

"Oh my god," 

"What, what is it?"

"My pet goat Aloysius has sprouted a conglomeration of eerie fungal caps growing out of his malignant and putrid abdomen, and as I reached my hand forward to scratch behind his horn, the spores erupted a cloud of noxious green spores that I have inhaled and which might use my body as nourishment to grow even more mutated mushroom stalks!"

Stop. Reflect. You've encountered a real problem, and giving the wrong advice now could be just as dangerous as not helping at all. 

Enter: the platitude. 

"Let this be a learning opportunity."

Platitudes. Empty-calorie dialogue by design. 

And yet, in the 'survival of the fittest' competition of vocabulary evolution, platitudes have not gone away. On the contrary, they've thrived. Platitudes are everywhere. 

I asked myself: why?

Most people recognize them for what they are: verbal placeholders that impart a feeling of saying much while substantively saying virtually nothing.

Doesn't that make them functionally useless?

Then, I found myself stranded in the Arizona desert. 

Wandering across a blistering landscape under the smoldering gaze of a cruel and malicious sun.

Lips splitting from dehydration. Skin baking without perspiration. A headache so profound that the numbing warmth of a rattlesnake bite would have been a welcome respite. 

But, out of grave necessity, simply only just to keep myself going until a source of water could be found beyond the next canyon, I had no choice but to cannibalize upon my own output. 

I had to drink my own urine. 

Not because it would fully rehydrate me. 

But because it was a liquid that would keep my system lubricated until I could bathe in the oasis that is a better future. 

And as I puzzled the ammonia scented bladder brew, I understood.

Platitudes are the dramaturgical equivalent to chugging your own piss. 

It keeps the conversation going until a resolution can be found.

And if you're wondering how far someone can wander across the desert while drinking their own piss, then you are likely also wondering how far someone can go in life while speaking only in platitudes. 

That question jettisoned me into a lifelong quest of invention that would have been impossible at any other time in history. Because of modern advancements in humanoid robotics, computing, miniaturization and, crucially, artificial intelligence, I created my Frankenstein's Monster: 

Taylor Platt. 

It took countless prototypes. Countless dead ends and frustrated returns to the drawing board. But when I got it right, I realized I had my test subject.

Taylor was an entirely synthetic humanoid android. 

Or, was he a cyborg? 

I've never been quite sure about what the distinction between those two were, exactly. 

Well, it doesn't really matter because whatever Taylor was, he was unique. Taylor was new. Taylor... is what he is. 

I programmed Taylor to conduct an elaborate, and very specific, social experiment. Taylor is going to cross the desert drinking nothing but piss. 

Not literally. The platitudinous equivalent. 

Taylor is going to cross the United States of America and back, getting by as best he can by relying only on a list of preprogrammed platitudes as his only pool of dialogue to pull from along his way. 

And we'll just... see what happens.

Taylor is part publicity stunt, part real-world field test. As Taylor's developer, and an aspiring entrepreneur, I outfitted Taylor's hardware with a series of integrated cameras and microphones that records and uploads his exploits to "the cloud". This allows me, and future social science researchers, to learn from Taylor's quest. Because what Taylor is going to do will be historic. It'll be the first time a fully automated robot is going to be set loose upon society to see if he can accomplish a clearly defined social task. 

What is Taylor's task? I had to decide carefully. What would put his platitudical powers to the test?

It couldn't be too simple, but it couldn't be too challenging. It had to be achievable, but it also had to require determination and guile. 

It had to be something that the common man could relate with. The 9-to-5 workers. The blue collar everyman. The everyday American with all their hopes and dreams and aspirations for a better tomorrow.

Who had broad, universal appeal that we could look to for an example? Almost as soon as I had asked, the answer occurred to me.

Taylor Swift. 

Then, briefly, I changed my mind to Snoop Dog. 

But then I changed back to Taylor Swift again.

That task: 

My automaton would search for, and locate, the pop music icon Taylor Swift, and get her autograph as evidence that it had successfully  carried out its objective, before delivering it back to me, its creator. 

There and Back Again. An Android's Tale. By Taylor Platt.

Why Taylor Swift? Again, this was a savvy marketing choice. Taylor Swift is largely unobjectionable, as evidenced by her 280 million followers on Instagram. Imagine 280 million people across the world watching the saga of my android unfold as he, like themselves, undertakes a journey to find Taylor Swift to get her autograph, using nothing but platitudes for every weary mile. 

That's drama. 

That's life. 

The sky is the limit. 

Identifying the quest, and the subject my humble cybog should seek out, also helped me settle on his name: Taylor. Perfect. Platt? Short for platitude, the reason for the experiment. It was all coming together.

What began as a dream eventually became a reality. Once the final tests had been conducted, and the android's name decided-- all he needed was a fresh set of clothes, an uploaded manifest to guide his operations, and the most important piece:

162* platitudes for his discretionary use. 

*See Appendix, below.

Then the day had finally arrived. I activated Taylor, and I assigned him his task. 

"Taylor. You must find Taylor Swift and get her autograph and bring it back to me." 

(Then, you will be a real boy.)

Taylor considered this for a moment, and then said, "One day at a time." 

Perfect. He's ready. "Go now, Taylor! Go get the autograph!" 

"It pays the bills," he said, sounding hopeful as he set his eyes on the horizon and began his long walk that, I hoped, would eventually bring him back to me. 

How long would it take?

What obstacles would he encounter on his way?

Would he fail? Would getting Taylor Swift's autograph be too tall a task for him to achieve?

What would I hope to learn about platitudes, about the world and all the people in it-- including myself-- along the way?

I watched Taylor for a long time outside of my humble workshop as he walked down the desert road. At last, I lost all sight of him. 

I felt a strange mix of pride and terror on Taylor's behalf. I was... worried about him. Taylor would not need food, water or sleep on his journey. But would that be enough? Would he be able to "drink enough piss" to earn him a Taylor Swift autograph? Only time, and watching his progress with GPS satellite technology and livestream uploads to "the cloud," would tell.

I went inside to my monitoring station and eagerly booted up Taylor's location and live-feed. I was not disappointed, and my years of testing and improving the system that Taylor operated under now served me well. He was still marching along the desert road, perhaps not yet fully aware of where he was going or what he would do when he got there. Was he pouring over his list of approved platitudes in preparation for his first conversation? 

Taylor walked briskly, tirelessly, eyes forward, shoulders back. He had indomitable energy, unshakable fortitude. He was fabricated, but, admirable, in a way. 

I realized then that watching Taylor's quest would likely be filled with hours of restless waiting, in-between breath-holding moments of tense anxiety. For now, I had to wait.

But I did not have to wait long. Presently, a pickup truck passed Taylor, and pulled off to the curb just ahead of him, idling exhaust kicking up eddies of dust into the hot desert air.

Trusting, naïve, or perhaps recklessly brave, Taylor approached the truck and stopped outside the driver's window. 

Taylor's lapel camera afforded me a glimpse into the man's face. Grizzled. Wearied from the cares of life. So weathered, his age was indecipherable. He could have been 30, he could have been 60. But when he looked at Taylor's simple but convincingly youthful face, the man asked: "Need a lift?"

"God has a plan," said Platt. 

The grizzled man laughed. "He's got a plan but I got the truck! Get in."

And with that, the journey had truly begun. Platt walked around the truck and let himself in on the passenger side. 

"So, where ya from?" The grizzled man asked as he resumed his drive down the barren highway. 

"Living in the present," said Platt. 

The grizzled man chuckled again and shook his head. "I hear ya. Where ya headed?"

"That's above your paygrade." 

The grizzled man laughed heartily at that one, showing black teeth set inside pale gums, surrounded on all sides by salt and pepper stubble. 

"I'll take ya inta town if that's right with ya," said the grizzled man. "Jus' goin' in to get me some cigs an such." 

"That's life." 

The grizzled man nodded, a whimsical smile on his lips. 

I watched, mesmerized, a voyeur vicariously living some platitudinal double-life through my creation's eyes. I had no ability to interfere directly, only just to listen and observe-- and I could sense, even from the poor camera angle based on how Platt was seated, that there was a searching in that grizzled man's face. 

"Name's Tom," the man said at last. 

"What's in a name?" Taylor responded, sounding cheeky.

Tom looked at Platt.

"What are you anyway? Some kinda college student or somethin'?"

"It never ends." 

Tom chuckled. 

"Never went to college m'self," Tom said. "Wastea time if y'ask me."

"One day at a time." 

"So, whatcha gonna do when yer done with that?"

"With great power comes great responsibility."

Tom nodded. 

"Yeah. Yeah..." 

A moment of silence passed between them. 

"So, uh," something new in Tom's voice. "I don't usually pick up hitchhikers..." he said. There was a clear shift in his tone.

"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen," Platt said, sounding pleasant. 

Tom considered that. "You uh, got any money?"

"You are enough." 

Tom was surprised. He looked at Taylor, then back at the road, shifting in his bucket seat. The man was thinking, but solid as a paperweight. "You know, I-- I don't just give out rides for free, y'know..." 

In my command station, I became uneasy. I didn't like where this was going, but I hoped for my creation's sake that my growing concern was misplaced.

"Others have it harder," Platt said. Still pleasant. Still looking straight out the windshield, totally at ease and comfortable in his polo shirt and zip up beige jacket. He looked wholesome, like a religious missionary going door to door. 

The road was bumpy.

"You suck dick?"

There it was. Right out of the gate. The very first person my Taylor encountered in the real world, and already it was going to take a dark turn. 

I sat and waited expectantly, mouth agape, anxious to see what was going to happen. Would Taylor's platitude arsenal exacerbate or diffuse this increasingly lurid situation?

Taylor chuckled without a hint of scandal.

"We'll all be laughing about this one day," Platt said, looking out the windshield, unperturbed, an innocent smile on his face. 

Tom seemed confused. To me, sitting in my chair in front of my computer monitor, looking on with growing dismay, I wondered what Tom might be thinking, and didn't dare imagine what he would do next if my creation didn't chug beans.

"I ain't gonna give you a ride for nothin', kid."

Taylor seemed to shrug. But, turning to Tom, smiling, he said-- 

"Live your truth." 

Tom bit his lip, a little nervously. I could see, from Taylor's integrated camera lens, that Tom had a hand on his lap, and although the resolution wasn't ideal-- especially due to the jostling of the truck's cabin-- I could see he was unzipping his tattered blue jeans. 

"How 'bout it, kid? You gonna suck it? Or do I let you out here?"

"Only dead fish go with the flow," was Taylor's immediate response. No hesitation. No concern. 

Tom balked. 

"Wh- what?"

Without looking away, Taylor continued.

"You are stronger than you think." The words seemed to hang in the air.

Tom's hesitation was palpable. You could see decades of strife in those bloodshot blue eyes. He looked back out the windshield, put both his hands back on the steering wheel, and drove on. 

He didn't say another word. 

There was a stillness in the truck from then on. From my position watching the scene perhaps only 50 miles away from where I sat, I thought I could hear some pained breaths issuing from Tom's parted lips. 

The image was not clear, but Tom's stillness gave away a tumult of inner strife. Was he reliving every clandestine highway blowjob he'd ever demanded from the ghosts of hitchhikers past? I dimly perceived Tom agonizing over the state of his very soul, in silent disquiet. 

The seconds turned to minutes, and minutes into one long quiet drive as the highway passed by beneath them on their way to town.

Eventually, they passed a sign. Then another. Then a gas station came into view, defunct, surrounded by a small village of dilapidation. 

The truck steered into the dirt driveway of the gas station, where Tom brought it to a halt beside an ancient looking petrol pump.

"Here," Tom said, killing the engine.

Taylor looked at Tom without judgement. "You can't win them all," he said. 

Tom nodded. "Yeah," he said. "Thanks," he said. It sounded flat, but, to my ear, authentic. 

Taylor got out and stepped briskly across the dirt lot toward the front doors of the gas station.

Check back for future updates to see How Taylor Found Swift.

APPENDIX

I'm placing a functional index of platitudes that I am leveraging for this project for reference. 

Thanks is due to writer Sylvie Quinn for her compilation at Thought Catalog. I tried to find a direct contact for Sylvie on their website, but my search was in vain. What's done is done.

However, I found myself wanting more platitudes.

Can you imagine reading 100 platitudes and still feeling unsatisfied? 

Sylvie's List, as helpful as it was, seemed to also include what I would consider mere cliches, which didn't encapsulate the full scope of what I believed a "good" platitude should definitionally contain. 

Cliches are rote, trite phrases.

Platitudes, on the other hand, imply an offer of advised wisdom, however vague or malformed.

Whether or not any real wisdom is imparted relies not on the speaker, but on the listener. Mileage may vary.

To bolster the menu provided below, I admittedly leaned on artificial intelligence (AI) to aggregate a more comprehensive recipe for Taylor.

If you're wondering, I have no compunction whatsoever about forcing a large language model to stew over a mind-numbing litany of hollow epithets. 

Better it than me.

Platitudes

1. Everything happens for a reason
2. Time heals all wounds
3. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
4. Just be yourself
5. Follow your dreams
6. It is what it is
7. Think positive
8. Good things come to those who wait
9. One day at a time
10. You only live once
11. Stay strong
12. Trust the process
13. This too shall pass
14. Believe in yourself
15. Love conquers all
16. Money can’t buy happiness
17. Just breathe
18. Never give up
19. Dream big
20. The sky’s the limit
21. You’ve got this
22. Stay true to yourself
23. It could be worse
24. Don’t worry be happy
25. Life is a journey
26. Be grateful
27. Happiness is a choice
28. Just do your best
29. Every cloud has a silver lining
30. Be kind
31. Do what you love
32. Love yourself first
33. Live your truth
34. You are enough
35. Just keep going
36. Be present
37. Everything will be okay
38. Follow your heart
39. Make today count
40. Choose happiness
41. The best is yet to come
42. Let it be
43. Things will get better
44. Keep the faith
45. Trust yourself
46. Don’t look back
47. Focus on the good
48. Keep smiling
49. Better days are coming
50. You are stronger than you think
51. Life is what you make it
52. Never stop believing
53. Be open to possibilities
54. Just trust the journey
55. Keep your chin up
56. You’ll get through this
57. Stay resilient
58. Don’t give up hope
59. Everything will fall into place
60. Live in the moment
61. Keep it simple
62. Stay hopeful
63. Just go with the flow
64. Stay inspired
65. Others have it harder
66. That’s just life
67. You’ll be fine
68. Don’t overthink it
69. Just move on
70. Let it go
71. Life’s not fair
72. That’s the way the world works
73. You can’t win them all
74. Nobody’s perfect
75. The more things change the more things stay the same
76. What can you do?
77. That’s just how it goes
78. Things happen
79. It’ll all make sense someday
80. It’s not a big deal
81. It’s just one of those things
82. That’s life 
83. We’ll figure it out
84. Another day another dollar
85. It pays the bills
86. Just get through the day
87. Same grind different day
88. That’s work for you
89. It never ends
90. Welcome to adulthood
91. You get used to it
92. Just survive the week
93. That’s corporate life
94. It’s a learning opportunity
95. We need to align
96. Moving forward
97. Think outside the box
98. No worries
99. All good
100. It’s fine
101. If you say so
102. We’ll see
103. Let’s agree to disagree
104. That’s your opinion
105. Do whatever you want
106. Stay in your lane
107. Don’t rock the boat
108. That’s above your pay grade
109. Be realistic
110. Don’t aim too high
111. Play it safe
112. That’s not how things are done
113. Don’t get your hopes up
114. Know your place
115. Be practical
116. There are plenty of fish in the sea
117. If it’s meant to be it will be
118. Just give it time
119. You deserve better
120. It wasn’t meant to be
121. They weren’t right for you
122. You’ll find someone
123. Everything happens in its own time
124. Love the life you live
125. Just stay positive
126. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result
127. Forgive and forget
128. What the mind can conceive it can achieve
129. Winners never quit
130. Teamwork makes the dream work
131. Hard work always pays off
132. God has a plan
133. Live each moment like it’s your last
134. If at first you don’t succeed try, try again
135. Follow your bliss
136. Let’s not reinvent the wheel
137. Don’t assume it makes an ass out of you and me
138. Don’t be sad because it’s over be glad that it happened
139. Love means never having to say you’re sorry
140. We are where we are
141. What’s done is done
142. Nice guys finish last
143. Only dead fish go with the flow
144. Work smarter not harder
145. When life gives you lemons make lemonade
146. Age is just a number
147. We’re all in this together
148. Everything always works out in the end
149. We’ll all be laughing about this one day
150. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose only that you try
151. Tomorrow is another day
152. Better to have loved and lost
153. The road to hell is paved with good intentions
154. Work hard play hard
155. All’s fair in love and war
156. All men are created equal
157. Perception is reality
158. Patience is a virtue
159. The customer is always right
160. If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen
161. With great power comes great responsibility
162. God never gives you more than you can handle
163. Shake it off**

**Platt was programmed with only 162 platitudes for his discretionary use.