The Crew Shouts at Bingo

"Hey,"

"Oh. Hi."

"How's it going?"

"Um. I'm okay, thanks."

"Nervous?"

"Are you... a clown?"

"No, but I am dressed up like one. Just kidding, that's a joke. Yeah, I'm a clown."

"Okay. I was wondering."

"Let me guess. It was the nose? Look. It squeaks." 

"Nice. But, no, actually, it was the shoes."

"Ah, right."

"Do they squeak too?"

"Only when I run away." 

"Okay. What are you doing here?"

"What am I doin'? I'm a part of the crew. I'm working the set."

"Here?"

"Yeah. Why? Is that so strange?"

"I just. I thought this was... I thought this was a porn shoot?"

"Oh my god. Wait, this is a porno? I'm kidding. That's a joke. I know. I'm a clown, not an idiot."

"Okay. I guess I need to re-read the script?"

"Don't worry. I'm not your costar if that's what you're wondering."

"Alright, because I was wondering for a second... like, did I get the wrong makeup on?"

"Hey, that's funny. But you're thinking of clown porn. I'm a porn clown."

"Porn clown."

"Yeah. A clown for porn. Not a porn for clowns."

"Got it. See, I'm still learning the ropes, I guess..."

"Guess so."

"So. Can I ask..."

"You can."

"What does a porn clown do on a... porn shoot?"

"You ever been to a rodeo before?"

"Like, with horses and stuff?"

"That's what a rodeo is."

"Yes, I've been to a rodeo. Once."

"You seen the bull riders?"

"I think so, yeah. The cowboys who hold on until they get knocked off?"

"Bingo! That's right. And the bull is all mad and jumpin' around and stuff." 

"Right. Yeah I remember."

"Well, who comes out to save the guy who fell off the bull?"

"I don't know. I only went the one time and there was some beers..."

"Settle down. I'll help you. Who comes out to save him is: The rodeo clown."

"So you're a rodeo clown?"

"I'm a porn clown."

"What does the rodeo clown do?"

"He jumps out and gets the bull's attention. You know. Does a little dance. Distracts him. Lets the cowboy get up and run away. Maybe jumps into a barrel so he don't get gored."

"Oh."

"The crowd likes it because when a cowboy gets thrown by a bull, that's tragedy. When a clown gets thrown by a bull, that's comedy."

"Well. Good to know. Actually I think I do vaguely remember there being clowns at the rodeo I went to."

"You see?"

"I think he had these big old pants that kept falling down and he had big red underwear underneath with hearts on them."

"Can I show you something?"

"What?"

"Calm down. Look here."

"Wow. Hearts."

"Yeah."

"So are those standard issue? Do they give that same pair out to all the clowns?"

"Na. They're just comfortable. Any good clown would know."

"Great. Get me a pair next time."

"Sorry. Clowns only."

"Too bad. But, I still don't get what you're doing here."

"Alright, alright. I'll spell it out for ya. You see that guy over there?"

"Him? Yeah, I think he's in the scene with me."

"Really? You shootin' with Big Time over there?"

"I think so."

"Huh. Well. So, he's the reason we're both here, you and me."

"Why, what are you doing with him?"

"Settle down. For me, it's strictly business."

"Me too."

"Touché. I guess everyone's gotta job to do, don't they?"

"Right. Some give it. Some take it. Some get pied in the face."

"Hey, you ever think about a career in comedy?"

"Not really."

"Hair. Makeup. Lights. Camera. Actors. Actresses. The fluffer. You know the fluffer?"

"I don't." 

"And why would you? You're a lady. Hey. You ever been in a porno before?"

"No."

"No foolin'? First time?"

"First time."

"No foolin'. First time and in the big scene with Big Time over there."

"Girl's gotta eat."

"Don't tell him that."

"So, are you the fluffer?"

"No, I ain't the fluffer. He's the fluffer."

"Oh." 

"Yeah. 'Oh.' Wrists like Popeye. Na. I'm the porn clown."

"You keep saying that."

"Look. When you're shootin' with Big Time over there, there may come a point when he's gettin' all wound up and rowdy. As one does during the intimate act of love."

"Right."

"And so, as he's gettin' all wound up, about ready to, well, y'know..."

"I know."

"But before he does, the director calls cut. They gotta move the camera. Focus. Maybe the boom mic is in the shot. Who knows. They gotta stop. Meanwhile, Big Time is about to lose it."

"Before he, yeah, I get it."

"Well, that's when I jump in. Like in a rodeo."

"You... jump in?"

"Sure. Hey, I might not look like it, but I can make quite the entrance, sweetheart."

"Oh, no, I don't doubt it."

"Good. 'Cuz when I jump in, all the sudden Big Time over there doesn't need to let it fly quite so soon, you know what I mean?"

"Oh. Okay. So you're like saying 'orangutan' when you're about to sneeze?"

"Oranga-what?"

"When you're about to sneeze and you don't want to. You say 'orangutan,' and suddenly, you don't have to sneeze anymore."

"Is that true?"

"Works for me."

"Why wouldn't you wanna sneeze?"

"Sometimes you just don't wanna sneeze."

"Huh. I'll consider that. Orangutan, huh?"

"Orangutan." 

"Well. I don't know. But sure. I'm like an orangutan sneeze. I keep Big Time from sneezing. Except it ain't no sneeze."

"Right, right. The show must go on."

"You got it. Trust me. I can save everyone here a lot of wasted time waiting on Big Time's refractory period."

"Wow. I'm impressed."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. And I'm not often impressed by clowns."

"You sure know how to compliment a fella."

"You're welcome."

"I'm Bingo, by the way."

"Danielle. Hi. Nice to meet you, Bingo."

"Nice to meet you too, Danny. And this is your first shoot, huh?"

"That's right."

"What gets you mixed up in this kinda work?"

"I mean. You know. One minute you're dancing. Another, you're getting your picture taken. And then... someone tells you how much you can make on one day's work..."

"Hey, lemme ask you somethin'."

"Uh oh."

"No, no. Relax. This your first time?"

"Yes. Again."

"You nervous?"

"Do I look nervous?"

"You look great. But I'm just askin'. C'mon, you can tell me. I'm just a clown."

"I mean. About which part? Some things, no. But I haven't done this before, Bingo."

"Wait. You don't mean..."

"No, I've done that before."

"Okay. Just not with people watchin'."

"Well..."

"I mean, just not with a camera on."

"Well..."

"Jeez, Danny. What do you mean?"

"Just not in something that's... like this, I mean."

"Ah. I get it. Industry."

"Industry."

"I get it, Dan. Don't let a clown like me tell you how to live your life."

"But you're going to try anyway, I'll bet."

"You know, it's fine. One way or the other. You said it was money?"

"Yes, they're giving me money for this, Bing."

"But, like, it's that bad you need this?"

"Doesn't everybody?"

"Maybe. I dunno. I been in this business a little while. Not a long while. But I've still seen a lot."

"How much?"

"Enough. But I've been in other businesses, too. No matter what you do, whatever it solves, it don't solve money problems."

"It would solve some."

"For a time. There's always a refractory period..."

"How much do you make at these gigs, Bingo?"

"Me? Nah. I ain't hit the 'big time'."

"Me neither."

"Some girls like it okay. I think."

"Okay."

"Some girls not so much."

"You ask them?"

"Sometimes you don't havta. They're just getting started. They end up places maybe they didn't mean to, when they first started."

"Maybe I can transition to H.R. from here."

"No comment. And hey, some girls don't got no problem with it. Some girls do just fine."

"What kind of girls would they be?"

"I don't really know. They're hard to spot when they start out, cuz when they start out, they all look the same."

"Is it the same with clowns too?"

"What do ya mean?"

"Do some go places they maybe didn't mean to first starting out? Do some have no problem with it? Do they all look the same when they start out?"

"You cut me deep, Danny."

"Well. I appreciate you asking, Bingo."

"Cuz, you know, you can tell me to go fuck myself, you know."

"Not here, I wouldn't. You might."

"Har-har. It is to laugh."

"Do any of them have second thoughts?"

"You askin' me?"

"Should I ask Big Time?"

"He might know. I don't."

"I thought you did."

"No. Well. I have my theories."

"A clown with theories."

"Hey, I don't ask for 'em. They come to me. Unbidden."

"Do they?"

"Maybe. But they don't tell me their problems. I just jump out and make the big distraction. You know."

"Sorry. It's imagining the 'jumping out' that gets me..."

"That's why I wear all the little bells. They jingle. The sound guys hate 'em, but they don't understand the craftsmanship."

"So, if a girl was kind of wondering how she might..."

"How to go about..."

"If she did have second thoughts about..."

"And if I got the sense that she..."

"She might not want to say anything. Everyone being so nice and all."

"I get it. She didn't come all this way just to make enemies."

"What's a girl to do?"

"Yeah. Well not that she's asking me, but if she did, I'd tell her..."

"What?"

"Just... just because she gets this far don't mean she's gotta go all the way. You know?"

"Maybe. What do you mean?"

"I mean. You know. People change their minds. All the time."

"Do rodeo cowboys change their minds? Before getting on the bull?"

"Who knows? Ask a rodeo clown."

"When I meet one, I will."

"In the meantime. I'd tell her. If she needed to. If she needed help. Honk twice."

"Honk?"

"That's one. I said, if she needs help: honk twice."

She looks at the magazine in her lap. Then, after a long pause,

"Honk."

"Okay then. I'm here to help."

"Are porn clowns a regular thing?"

"You mean, on porno sets?"

"No. In circuses. Yes, on porn shoots."

"This is your first time. As it happens, this is a pretty posh gig."

"This is posh?"

"One of the poshest. They've got the little creme spinach puffs on the service table. You get one?"

"I didn't see those."

"Delish."

"That makes it all worse, somehow."

"You say that before or after gettin' a load of Big Time?"

"Oh. That doesn't bother me."

"So, it was the spinach puffs, then."

"To be honest, it might have been realizing there's such a thing as a porn clown."

"A man's gotta eat, Dan."

"I don't know."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"How does one even... Do you say something to the director?"

"If you... if one were to ask for a mulligan?"

"I'm just weighing my options."

"I dunno. Maybe. He looks a little overwhelmed, if you ask me. I don't think he's got control of the lighting."

"He does look overwhelmed. So. Bingo. You jump out? Right? Cause distractions?"

"Hey. Come on. I'm a porn clown."

"How would you distract... all of them?"

"You know. You make it sound like a simple jump. It's a leap. A surprise. A shock."

"Mmhmm."

"Everyone looks at me. I maybe knock over a C-stand. People start yellin'. Next thing you know, someone looks up. 'Hey, where did she go?'"

"And... she just goes."

"That's up to her. But it's an option."

"Seems unprofessional."

"Yeah, but. Nobody actually saw what happened. She could've gotten a call. Threw up."

"Sprayed by a skunk."

"A skunk?"

"It can be a good excuse, sometimes."

"This is a pretty posh gig, you know."

"You'd do that, Bing? You'd porn clown me?"

"I dunno. I hadn't thought about it. But. Since you asked. Yeah. I guess I would."

"Won't you, like, get in trouble?"

"Me? Nah. I'm union. I get paid just for bein' here. It's no paint off my face if nobody ends up gettin' fucked."

"You're unionized? Fuck. Maybe I need a career change."

"The dues are awful."

"Money problems?"

"That shit never goes away."

"I wouldn't want to put you on the spot. Maybe I should just say something."

"Hey. You know what? You'd be doin' me a favor."

"Shut up."

"Nah, really. I usually only get to distract guys like Big Time. I never really get to distract the whole crew. This could be my best performance yet."

"I feel like you want to do it."

"I feel like you wanna do it."

"Yeah. I guess I kind of do. Or don't, I mean."

"You got it, Dan. Here. I'll do it right now."

"Right now?"

"If you're ready."

"I... have to get my clothes on. They're in the changing room."

"How much time you need?"

"To get my clothes on? I don't know. Five minutes?"

"Five minutes?! Dan. I'm a porn clown, not Hamlet."

"Two."

"I can do two. I'll use the seltzer bottle."

"Okay. Okay. I'm ready."

"Alright, Danny. Well. Keep dancing."

"Okay. See you at the rodeo."

"You're welcome."

Bingo gets out of his chair and jumps onto the film set, shoes squeaking, where the crew is busy setting up the lights. Bingo's comically oversized ass tips over a light stand, bells jingling, making it crash to the ground in a clatter. 

The crew shouts at Bingo.