The Adventures of a Civl-Ordered Public Marketing Agent: Pt. 1 - Approval from the Board & Building Clients in Craigslist

Whether or not you've personally had the misfortune of being represented by a court-ordered public defender in a criminal proceeding, many Americans are familiar with the concept. In the United States-- if an accused defendant is incapable of procuring legal counsel by his or her means, the court of law will appoint a public defender to that defendant to help ensure a fair trial. I'm no lawyer or legal historian-- but I believe the concept was borne out of English Common Law. The concepts of the rule of law, and justice, are integral to the American spirit-- and despite whatever criticisms you or others may levy against the judicial system of our United States, the concept of civic defenders, while not perfect, can certainly be regarded in the abstract as better than the alternative: self-defense in legal proceedings regardless of one's knowledge or skill in matters of the law, or no practiced representation or legal counsel all.

The concept of a government-appointed council, free or paid on a 'sliding scale' depending on the means of the person needing representation, is largely limited to the paralegal. However, I bring it up as the subject of this entry specifically because I've recently had the opportunity to practice government-mandated public service in an entirely different context for what might be the first time outside of matters pertaining to law and justice. 

Being a member of a capitalist nation-- a great deal of emphasis is placed on matters of economy and entrepreneurship. In the United States, it is at least theoretically possible that any citizen is capable of living debt-free, owning a house and property, and being the proprietor of their own business. This, as they say, is the "American Dream," and while cynics have enjoyed playing with this phrase in a poetic sense for decades-- it seems as though the local city government that has jurisdiction in my area wants to restore its own community's confidence in the concept that this dream is alive and well in America today.

That's where I come in. Because I live debt-free? No. Because I own a home? No. Because I am the proprietor of my business? Well, no-- though, thanks to the local city council, I am now the town's only civic-ordered public marketer for local small business startups (i.e., "anyone") to call on when they need help advertising their product or services.

There I was-- a lowly cubicle pet in the City Public Services department, toiling away at my assigned computer with hammer and chisel, breaking blocks for the bureaucracy when I was plucked from governmental obscurity by, well, somebody who seemed in a hurry as they rushed past my workstation three weeks ago. I didn't catch their name, but there's a chance that I'd know them if I saw them again. It looked like they had a problem, and just happened to establish eye contact with me (completely by accident, I swear!) as he passed. 

"Hey, you," he said, meaning me. 

"Me?" I asked, also meaning me.

"Yes," he said, irritated at my question. "What are you doing?"

"Uh," I stammered-- looking at my computer. I'd been at it for weeks, but now that he asked, I wasn't entirely sure what I was doing. "I don't know," I answered honestly (by accident, really!)

"Fine," he said, maybe not hearing me right, but then again, he might have. "Come with me," he said.

I didn't ask questions. I made sure to log out of my laptop-- as cybersecurity training mandated by the city's human resource subdivision cybersecurity awareness training has forced me to know that not properly logging out of your work computer when leaving your desk can lead to a form of hacking called "Shoulder Surfing". 

My new supervisor was already down the hall. I had to power-walk to catch up. When I arrived at his heels, he was already halfway through explaining to me what was going on. I couldn't ask him to repeat himself, now, as he had forgotten I was there.

"...all thanks to an enormous fuckup from someone at the county archaeology division, the native American remains in that site are now completely fucked. 'Disgrace to our ancestors,' Fred Stampeding-Buffalo from the tribe's office said. Anyway, the subsequent lawsuit is going to fuck our taxpayers in the ass and the mayor needs to retain his seat in the upcoming election so he can get the housing subdivision in the granite meadows area north of town. Water rights. Can you fucking believe it? They won't let you build a fucking neighborhood in this state anymore if you can't guarantee water for the fucking houses for 20 years into the fucking future. Goddamn communists. Anyway, the city is nearing a settlement, and part of that involves some new public service infrastructure. After they got done micro-dosing all the molly the police department confiscated from those Nicaraguans we caught giving those private-school kids illegal haircuts in the sewers last September, the Subcommittee on Urban Fiscal Expansion's Office of Public Outreach and Financial Growth's associate vice president to the chancellor had the idea of a public marketing liaison. Here--" the man said, gesturing to a narrow hallway that wasn't part of the building's original construction from 1854. I wasn't allowed to come here, but I figured since I was with him, it would be okay, maybe.

"You work for Janice?"

"Who?"

"That's alright-- she's still under fire for the preschool sinkhole that flushed those kids into the fault line before Thanksgiving. You golf?"

"Me?" I asked. 

"Here--" he said, pointing to an open door. Without breaking stride, we both stepped into the cold room that might have been where they used to put the prisoners sentenced for hanging before the 20s. 

I was greeted by a panoply of low-level, unelected administrators. They looked as though they were either still in high school, or wheeled in from the nursing home on the hill. About a dozen, in all. I was surprised to hear a gavel being hammered from somewhere, though I couldn't see exactly who was wielding it because even though it rang out in the large chamber-- no one seemed to look up from their phones or come to attention after it was struck.

I stood there in silence for a few minutes. One by one, like automated targets in a whack-a-mole game, they'd glance up at me ever-so-briefly from their phones before looking back at their screens. This prolonged period of intermittent scrutiny endured, in total silence, for what felt like a full minute. If you've stood awkwardly in a silent room in front of a long desk of a dozen faces staring up at you for the most fleeting of moments before forgetting you existed completely, you'll know that even a minute in that setting would feel like a century of confusing discomfort.

Finally-- mercifully-- the gavel, from somewhere, hammered out again in conclusion. "Candidate approved," a tiny high school girl wearing an extra-extra large businessman's suit with acne so severe there were open sores on her forehead and cheek said in a small but authoritative voice. My guide who had brought me here was already walking out the door. Unsure what I should do next-- and without even a gesture or nod from anyone in the room-- I followed him, guessing that's what I was supposed to do?

I caught up with him down the hall, again, when he was midway through explaining my assignment. 

"...Charcuterie Board of Directors, they tell me. Anyway, your new workstation is still being ironed out. Fucking budgetary committee-- they can't come to an agreement with procurement on the new office building that's just fucking sitting there across the street, totally and completely done with construction and fully furnished with brand new fucking office equipment, and nobody is allowed to go in there until the fucking air phosphorous diagnostic test results are back from Bangladesh. A brand new office building with hundreds of untouched offices just sitting there for eight months. I heard the gang of homeless coin collectors are a week out from earning squatting rights and nobody can do a goddamn thing about it. Anyway, the Game and Fish Department does have some nylon tents from South Korea that we can use. Here's a ticket for one-- don't lose that. I'm only allowed to give out six of those, and I've only got one left. You can pitch your new office tent anywhere along the eastern side of the lawn as long as it doesn't block Yancy Gomez's Staff Member of the Year designated parking space. You know he's worked here for 82 goddamn years without ever getting a promotion? Lucky bastard-- makes you wonder who I have to fuck to stop getting promoted."

"Where-- where do I pick up my tent?" 

"What? What the fuck? I just told you - Game and Fish. Jesus. Anyway--" I could tell he tried to continue, but he kept shaking his head and mumbling in irritation at my single question. "Where do you pick up your tent? Are you kidding me? Game and fucking Fish... God!" 

We kept walking that way for a while. We were in a narrow hallway with two doors at the end-- one was a metal swinging door with "EXIT" emblazoned above it, and the other was immediately to that door's right. We stopped as soon as we got to them, and I saw his office-- wide enough for a tiny desk. He couldn't even stand inside, it was so small - he had to stand in the hall right in front of the exit door to do his work. But he handed me a single manila folder with an irritated and exasperated sigh that seemed to only barely conceal his growing rage at, I think, my question about the tent. 

"There's your dossier. Fuck! Just-- get started and be ready to present your progress in a public City Council meeting in 36 months. You better give them some good news at that hearing otherwise I'm fucked and you're dead. Now get out of here, I've got work to do." He opened the swinging metal EXIT door to the outside lawn. The light outside was blinding. As I stepped outside, he slammed the door behind me just as a huge cicada flew down my throat with surprising speed. Leaning forward, I coughed outside of the building before I noticed a nearby Sheriff's Deputy looking at me suspiciously in his SUV-- so I forced myself to stop. Catching my breath, I looked up where to find the Game and Fish Department.

After setting up camp near the dumpsters and port-o-potties on the eastern lawn of the public service building, and after procuring a chain of extension cords so that I could power my former laptop, now on loan to me from my previous department, I was ready to open my dossier and learn what my new roles and responsibilities include. I must've missed my new supervisor's instructions at the crucial moments when he was describing my new role, but the dossier clarified in more concrete terms-- if not without some struggle to interpret the incomprehensible technical jargon it was buried amid-- what I had described at the outset of this entry: I was assigned to be the city's sole civic-ordered public marketing liaison, working at the behest of the Chancellor of the Vice President of the Office of Public Outreach and Financial Growth in partnership with the City Council Subcommittee on Urban Fiscal Expansion. What did that mean? Well-- the dossier didn't say. However, it was clear that I was responsible for charting my department's goals and reporting on how I measured my department's success. My careful interpretation of this was: that it was up to me to interpret my role and demonstrate how my civic-ordered public marketing initiatives increased the city's financial growth and fiscal expansion.

How was I to reach the business owners and local entrepreneurs who needed my services? I thought of the Chamber of Commerce-- but quickly reconsidered. Their department was by definition preoccupied with the big movers and shakers of the community-- the precise demographic of businesses and corporations that had entire fleets of professional marketing firms to do their bidding, launching vaunted campaigns to distribute their goods across the globe. No, my clientele would surely come from more humble beginnings. So, after much feckless deliberation, I found myself on Craigslist > [My City's Jurisdiction] > For Sale > Free Stuff. 

There, I was immediately treated to a veritable buffet of pro-bono marketing work. A civil-ordered marketing strategist's paradise. I was elated-- perhaps my 'cushy' new government job wouldn't be as difficult to begin as I had thought. And think of all the poor capitalist startups I'd be assisting!

Right at the top of the page, I was treated to an incredible marketing opportunity that fit my new job description perfectly: "Wooden Palates". To protect the business owner's identity from bad actors who may be intending to use my platform to prey upon unsuspecting, poor business ventures-- I'll refrain from sharing the specific post-- but relayed here are the details of this particular offer I considered for my first assignment:

Wooden Palates

6 wooden palates. Must take all of them. Then they are free.

condition: good

And that was all. I appreciated this salesman's succinctness. Nothing talks a buyer out of a product faster than a lengthy description of a simple product (says the author, cognizant that this very entry is fast approaching a word count of over 2,500 words with no end in sight). 

Clearly, this man or woman, looking to profit from their oversupply of "wooden pallets", needed a friendly and helpful nudge to get their business started.

Hitting "reply" and selecting to reply using the default Craigslist mail app-- I began my correspondence with the seller, thusly:

SUBJECT: Civic-Ordered Public Marketing Proposal re: "Free Wooden 'Palates'" from Your Local Government

Greetings, seller--

My name is Z, and I am your local city government's appointed civic-ordered public marketing liaison, working at the behest of the Chancellor of the Vice President of the Office of Public Outreach and Financial Growth in partnership with the City Council Subcommittee on Urban Fiscal Expansion. 

What does that mean? I interpret my role as a public servant working to assist local business owners and budding entrepreneurs get a jump start on their startup companies with complimentary marketing campaign proposals that will help you grow your business and live the American Dream.

I came across your listing for free "Wooden Palates" in our area and, as I am a new department in our city's government, took it upon myself to offer myself for your services, free of charge, to help you get rid of your stated "6 wooden palates." As my first assignment, I am dedicating myself to your service as your exclusive marketing coordinator until such point as your 6 wooden "palates" have been claimed by your customers. 

If you are open to meeting, I'd be happy to arrange a consultation appointment with you and any colleagues you'd like to include in a discussion to optimize your wooden pallet's appeal to the open seller's market. In such a meeting, I can relay to you some selling strategies and business model proposals that I think may benefit your small company. Additionally, come prepared with any social media accounts you currently maintain for strategies on how to develop comprehensive and targeting marketing campaigns directly to your core constituents who might be in dire need of the product you wish to sell-- your 6 wooden pallets-- but who may not be active on Craigslist and unaware of your remarkable offer to get rid of them for free!

I am eagerly awaiting your response and excited to provide any assistance I can. Thank you--

Z

Civic-Ordered Public Marketing Liaison

Chancellor to the Vice President of the Office of Public Outreach and Financial Growth

City Council Subcommittee on Urban Fiscal Expansion

[City, State, Zip Code redacted]

I sent my email and began pursuing other free Craigslist items as I awaited the seller's reply. It was an unusual feeling-- being a government employee, happy in his work. With a feeling that I was truly giving meaningful aid and assistance to the communities who needed it most. Believing, for once, in the good of my labor for the betterment of the men, women, and perhaps even children of my town.

The very next listing was, again, another example of a seller who could benefit from the careful touch and expertise of a civic-ordered public marketer like me:

Twin bed with Tuft and Needle 1 year mattress

I have a metal bed frame and a relatively new tuft and needle twin size bed and mattress free for someone who needs it I also have two sets of sheets and pillow cases so please give me a call must pick up soon.

condition: like new

SUBJECT: Civic-Ordered Public Marketing Proposal re: "Free Twin bed with Tuft and Needle" from Your Local Government

Greetings, seller--

My name is Z, and I am your local city government's appointed civic-ordered public marketing liaison, working at the behest of the Chancellor of the Vice President of the Office of Public Outreach and Financial Growth in partnership with the City Council Subcommittee on Urban Fiscal Expansion. 

What does that mean? I interpret my role as a public servant working to assist local business owners and budding entrepreneurs get a jump start on their startup companies with complimentary marketing campaign proposals that will help you grow your business and live the American Dream.

I came across your listing for free "Twin bed with Tuft and Needle 1 year mattress" in our area and, as I am a new department in our city's government, took it upon myself to offer my services, free of charge, to help you get rid of your stated "6 Twin bed with Tuft and Needle 1 year mattress"Being among my first assignments in the position , I am dedicating myself to your service as your exclusive marketing coordinator until such point as your 6Twin bed with Tuft and Neelde 1 year mattress" hasbeen claimed by your customers. 

If you are open to meeting, I'd be happy to arrange a consultation appointment with you and any colleagues you'd like to include in a discussion to optimize your Twin bed's appeal to the open seller's market. In such a meeting, I can relay to you some selling strategies and business model proposals that I think may benefit your small company. Additionally, come prepared with any social media accounts you currently maintain for strategies on how to develop comprehensive and targeting marketing campaigns directly to your core constituents who might be in dire need of the product you wish to sell --  but who may not be active on Craigslist and unaware of your remarkable offer to get rid of them for free!

I am eagerly awaiting your response and excited to provide any assistance I can. Thank you--

Z

Civic-Ordered Public Marketing Liaison

Chancellor to the Vice President of the Office of Public Outreach and Financial Growth

City Council Subcommittee on Urban Fiscal Expansion

[City, State, Zip Code redacted]

Once sent, I excitedly checked my "outgoing" mailbox to re-read my message and noticed more than a few errors I hadn't remedied between copying and pasting my previous email to the seller getting rid of his 6 wooden 'pallets' and updating it for the seller with the Twin bed. It was unfortunate. It made me appear unprofessional. However, in the end, I decided that I was thrifty and efficient with my time and resources, copying and pasting the same message twice. It saved me time re-writing a brand new email from scratch, only to just say essentially the same thing I had already written once before-- allowing me more time in my day to reach out to other prospective business partners in the area. I'd just need to be more careful in the future.

Stainless, single-burner grill

This is a great little grill, but the heat output is low. I think it needs a new regulator which I haven't been able to find. The top portion lifts off of the stand and has fold out legs so it can be used independently. 

$25 takes it away.

condition: [no entry]

This listing was intriguing-- though presented some unique challenges that the others did not. The seller clearly had great passion and enthusiasm for his product, listing it as a 'great little grill', only to immediately undersell his own product in his very next statement about the product's heat output. Perhaps he didn't understand that in marketing, you needed to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative, and don't mess with Mr. In-Between! 

SUBJECT: Civic-Ordered Public Marketing Proposal re: "Free Twin bed with Tuft and Needle" from Your Local Government

Greetings, seller--

My name is Z, and I am your local city government's appointed civic-ordered public marketing liaison, working at the behest of the Chancellor of the Vice President of the Office of Public Outreach and Financial Growth in partnership with the City Council Subcommittee on Urban Fiscal Expansion. 

What does that mean? I interpret my role as a public servant working to assist local business owners and budding entrepreneurs get a jump start on their startup companies with complimentary marketing campaign proposals that will help you grow your business and live the American Dream.

I came across your listing for free "Stainless, single-burner grill in our area and, as I am a new department in our city's government, took it upon myself to offer my services, free of charge, to help you get rid of your stated Stainless, single-burner grillmattress"Being among my first assignments in the position , I am dedicating myself to your service as your exclusive marketing coordinator until such point as your Stainless, single-burner grillhasbeen claimed by your customers. 

If you are open to meeting, I'd be happy to arrange a consultation appointment with you and any colleagues you'd like to include in a discussion to optimize your Twin bed's appeal to the open seller's market. In such a meeting, I can relay to you some selling strategies and business model proposals that I think may benefit your small company. Additionally, come prepared with any social media accounts you currently maintain for strategies on how to develop comprehensive and targeting marketing campaigns directly to your core constituents who might be in dire need of the product you wish to sell --  but who may not be active on Craigslist and unaware of your remarkable offer to get rid of them for free!

I have unique ideas and insights that may aid you in your promotion and marketing of your stainless single-burner grill, which-- by your description on the listing alone-- would be a tremendous opportunity for any buyer! To convince you of my bonefides, some initial recommendations-- among others-- that I would offer you is to take careful care not to undermine your own product by revealing its potential negative qualities. Consider, perhaps that some people cooking outdoors may very much wish to have a single burner grill with a low heat output! 

"Have you ever worked with a grill outdoors, only to find that the heat is too much to handle? Especially during our summer months when grilling outdoors is the most convenient? Well look no further because this single burner stainless steel grill guarantees low heat output!" Do you see?

Additionally, listing your grill for $25 in the "for free" section of Craigslist is also placing your product where your customers are least likely to look! 

All this-- and much more-- can be revealed to you during our free consultation meeting, thanks to the community outreach initiatives of our local government.

I am eagerly awaiting your response and excited to provide any assistance I can. Thank you--

Z

Civic-Ordered Public Marketing Liaison

Chancellor to the Vice President of the Office of Public Outreach and Financial Growth

City Council Subcommittee on Urban Fiscal Expansion

[City, State, Zip Code redacted]

Once again, I was irritated to see the many mistakes in my most recent email to the seller of the stainless steel single-burner grill-- and hoped that the seller would overlook my typos and sloppily pasted portions of text and focus on the upside of collaborating with my new department.

But I didn't have long to dwell on my shortcomings as an email writer. I had my first 'bite', so to speak-- from the seller with the 6 wooden 'pallets'. I opened up the email and read with bated breath:

SUBJECT: Re: Civic-Ordered Public Marketing Proposal re: "Free Wooden 'Palates'" from Your Local Government

sure come pick them up anytime sooner the better first come first serve must take all of them then they are free [address redacted].

Stopping briefly to pat myself on the back, I still couldn't help but wonder if the seller wasn't mistaken for thinking that I was a buyer for his pallets. I thought I had made my agenda and marketing pitch quite clear. In any event, it was the perfect pretext for a meeting. Looking at my watch, I saw that the workday was nearly complete. Not that it mattered-- I was a salaried employee now (I think)-- and I could swing by the seller's property on my way home. I packed up my former, borrowed work laptop, zipped up my workstation, and walked to the parking garage, eager to meet my first client.

I'm looking forward to my future adventures as a civic-ordered public marketer. Hopefully, in my next installment, I can relay the success I had in my meeting with the seller of the 6 wooden pallets-- as well as other marketing milestones achieved working as potentially the nation's first public-service marketing agent.