A Toot-in-Common

A man and a woman sit in a restaurant for breakfast. Waiting for their orders to arrive, they pass the time by talking to each other.

A: "So tell me something about yourself." 

B: "Okay, but let's talk about something else."

A: "You don't want to talk about yourself?"

B: "I don't mind that. But we can do that by talking about anything."

A: "Okay--" 

B: "Because if we talk about... this salt shaker, we'll learn more about each other than we could hope to by trying."

A: "Alright. What about that vase over there?"

B: "Vase? What vase?"

A: "That one."

B turns to look at the vase.

A: "What do you think?"

B: "I don't know. Do you think vases are made to be broken?"

A: "Broken? Why would you break a vase?"

B: "It's a trope. A cliché. You see it in cartoons and old movies." 

A: "Like when someone bumps into a little table and the vase starts teetering and they break everything to try and keep it from falling and shattering on the floor?"

B: "It's like a gun on a mantlepiece in the first act of a play. If there's a vase, someone is going to break it." 

A: "So what does that mean?"

B: "What does it mean?"

A: "The vase."

B: "Well. The vase exists in one of three forms. Either it's being made into a vase. Or it's a vase. Or it's broken."

A: "That vase is just a vase."

B: "Right now. It's doing what vases do." 

A: "But eventually someone is going to come along, in some movie or an old cartoon..."

B: "How do you think it'll happen?"

A: "Um. Well, obviously, it'll be during a party. The host will be showing off their expensive collection to his guests when a monkey will sneak in and knock it over."

B: "I see."

A: "Yup."

B: "That's when they discover that the old key to a locked room in the basement has been hidden in the vase all along."

A: "What?"

B: "They never would've known about it if it hadn't been for that rotten monkey."

A: "How did this become about a key?"

B: "What kind of secret things do you keep in vases?"

A: "None. I don't even have a vase. I don't think."

B: "Well, if you did, you'd know the answer is either a scroll or a key."

A: "I just don't know why someone would hide a key in a vase." 

B: "So that it would be hidden." 

A: "Until some monkey comes along." 

B: "Well, nothing stays hidden forever..."

A: "Speaking of which. Why did the chicken cross the road?"

B: "What?"

A: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

B: "Uh. To break a vase?"

A: "That's not funny. You're thinking too much about the vases."

B: "Okay. To get to the other side."

A: "Wow, you're really bad at jokes."

B: "That's your opinion. What's the real answer?"

A: "The real answer? I don't know. I made it up."

B: "You made up the 'why did the chicken cross the road' joke?"

A: "Uh-huh."

B: "But you admitted that you don't know the punch line."

A: "Does a joke have to have a punchline?" 

B: "So you're telling me you're the originator of the famous chicken and the road joke, which you conceived without a punchline? And it just took off to become part of the cultural zeitgeist?"

A: "I'm a professional jokester." 

B: "When did you invent this famous joke?"

A: "When I was five."

B: "Wow. Well, I'm impressed."

Silence.

B: "You know I wrote a joke once."

A: "Really?"

B: "Yeah. A popsicle stick joke."

A: "A popsicle stick joke? It sounds awful." 

B: "Not about popsicle sticks. Don't you remember popsicle stick jokes?"

A: "Vaguely? They're the corny jokes kids tell each other using sticks with words on them?"

B: "They're the jokes printed on literal popsicle sticks."

A: "Okay."

B: "They used to have the setup printed on the handle part of the popsicle. You'd unwrap your popsicle, read the setup, eat your popsicle, and when the stick was licked clean, it revealed the punchline printed on the end of the stick that was underneath the frozen part." 

A: "I know how popsicles work."

B: "I'm just making sure."

A: "So you eat the popsicle and got the punchline."

B: "Now you're getting it."

A: "That's weird. And kind of gross."

B: "Why gross?"

A: "Because you have to lick the ice off some random kid's chewed-on popsicle stick? It's unsanitary."

B: "What?"

A: "No joke is worth that."

B: "Some jokes are. But you could also just eat your own popsicle. I don't know why you'd think you had to steal someone else's half-licked popsicle in order for this to work."

A: "It's the first thing that came to mind."

B: "Well, I wrote one."

A: "Okay, you want to tell a joke. What's it about?"

B: "How about I just tell it? It's an original, like your chicken and the road joke that you invented. Except I included a punch line with my joke."

A: "Hit me."

B: "What did the Egyptian trumpet player say to the other Egyptian trumpet player?"

A: "I don't know. What?"

B: "Eat the popsicle first..."

A: "No thanks. I actually didn't like popsicles. They made my teeth feel weird."

B: "Okay, so instead you just let it melt and it drips all over your hand. Twenty minutes later, you can now read the punchline."

A: "What was the joke again? I forgot waiting for my popsicle to melt."

B: "What did the one Egyptian trumpet player say to the other Egyptian trumpet player?"

A: "What?"

B: "'We have a 'toot-in-common'!'"

A: "Toot in common?"

B: "Tutankhamun."

"A" laughs suddenly.

A: "That's awful."

B: "And now you've got cherry popsicle all over your hand, but you're laughing."

A: "Kind of? That's easily the worst joke I've ever heard."

B: "Hey, not every joke can be as groundbreaking as the 'chicken and the road' joke."

A: "No. Just... no."

The waiter brings their orders to the table.

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