Ambivalence's End

There was a knock at the door yesterday.

I got up to open it. I wondered, is it a delivery? Perhaps Mormons on a mission? I briefly reflected on one particularly memorable conversation I had with two Mormon missionaries years ago. I wondered silently how they were doing—when I reached out to grab my front door handle.

I opened my door and to my complete surprise, standing on my porch was neither Mormon, deliveryman, or deliverywoman.

It was an alien.

A fucking alien. 

I gawked. Its hand was still raised upright from having knocked on my door.

"Hey," it said, nervously.

In utter shock, I stepped backwards. Its realness was unmistakable. It wasn't a man in a suit. It wasn't a hologram. It wasn't AI or a hallucination.

It was a real alien. As sure as seeing you or whoever else at my front door. I could do little to disguise my bewilderment.

It sighed in resignation at my reaction. "That's right," it said. "I'm an alien."

I stammered, trying to put together a coherent thought, before it stopped me.

"Yeah," it said sympathetically. "I get it. Look, do you mind if I come in so I can try and explain?"

Somehow, I heard myself saying, my voice barely above a whisper, "S-sure!" 

It stepped inside and politely closed the door behind it. Then, looking at me, I led the alien into my living room.

We stood there momentarily before I remembered my manners.

"Please," I said. "Have a seat."

"Thanks," said the alien, sitting on the couch. I, too, bent to sit in my chair across from it—before hesitating.

"Oh! Would you—can I get you something to—?" What could I offer it? A glass of water? Party crackers? It was an alien!

"No, thanks. I'm fine," it said, raising its hand in a universal gesture of don't worry about it.

Relieved, I sat down.

"So," it started again. "I guess you're wondering, like, 'what is happening right now?'"

"Uh, yeah," I said—still in disbelief. "Something like that..."

It sighed again, gearing up for a well-rehearsed explanation.

"Well, I guess your species has been wondering whether or not there were aliens in the universe for a long time, right?"

"That's right," I said. Growing up, I often heard people wonder whether or not we were alone, or if life could exist somewhere else in the infinite space beyond our planet.

"Well, some of you thought there were. Some of you weren't so sure. I guess I'm here to say: yep, we exist, alright."

"Wow," I said—amazed, but, admittedly, also a little... disappointed? No. Maybe just a little bit let down. 

"That's amazing," I said, but not very convincingly. Unable to help myself, my voice trailed off, "It's just..." 

"What is it?" it asked.

"No. It's nothing," I said dismissively.

"It's okay. You can tell me. Trust me, there's no right or wrong answers here."

"Well, it's just. This wasn't exactly how I expected to find out."

It sighed again, affably sympathetic. "Right," it agreed, with a little wry chuckle. "I guess this does come out of the blue."

"No kidding," I said, chuckling humorlessly.

"We just wanted to let you know. Y'know? In person before the word got out and you heard it from someone else."

"I—I appreciate that."

"Yeah. So. You're not mad?"

"Mad?" I balked, smirking a bit at the idea. "Why would I be mad?"

"Okay, good. I wasn't sure," it said. "I knew this would be a surprise and, y'know, people might react differently."

"No, I'm not mad."

"Cool," it said flatly—and then, after a brief pause, "So, what do you think? About me, I mean. That I exist."

Taken aback, I was frankly kind of flattered that the being would be curious to know what I thought of its existence.

"I don't know," I said, uncertain. "I haven't really had a chance to, y'know, think about it. It's a lot to take in..."

"Take your time," it said, gently. "I really want to know."

Somehow, the way it said it, I got the sense that I really could take my time—that it really meant it. 

So, I thought about it for a second.

"I don't know," I said again, reflectively. "It's just. At different times in my life, like when I was a kid, I thought there were definitely aliens. Then, when I got older, I kind of thought—well, if there are, where are they, then?"

The alien was nodding, as though it had once thought the same thing. My words were, apparently, ringing true. 

But it didn't interrupt, so I continued.

"And then later, I thought, okay, maybe there are aliens. And maybe there aren't. What does it really matter? It doesn't affect me one way the other. So, I guess if I'm honest, until now I've been kind of ambivalent about you. I mean—not about you, specifically..." 

"I get it," it said, both hands raised, palms outward, not taking offense.

"Just, ambivalence about aliens in general, I guess."

"For sure. That makes a lot of sense," the alien said.

"So now I guess it's just kind of a surprise mostly? But, I guess I appreciate you breaking it to me this way. Coming down and—taking the time to tell me."

"Sure. It's the least I could do," it said, still nodding. "I was a little nervous about it, but, I kinda figured this might be the easiest way. I mean, if it were me hearing it for the first time, it's how I would want to know." 

"Yeah," I agreed, mind wandering.

"Do you have any questions for me?" it asked, sensing my wayward glance.

"Uh, I don't know..." I said, hesitantly. But then I remembered it had invited me to take my time. So I thought again for a second, before adding, "I guess, if you don't mind..."

"Shoot," it said, leaning back, ready for anything.

"Well. Is it just you?"

"Oh, no. There's a whole bunch more."

"I see."

"Yeah. I don't know exactly how many, but, like, a lot!"

"All your kind?"

A subtle, inquisitive head tilt, as it replied, "Huh?"

"I mean. You mean a lot like you, or, do you mean, a lot of other kinds of aliens?"

"Oh, we're all aliens," it said. Then, suddenly realizing what I meant—"Oh! You mean, like, whether there's more of my species, or whether there are a lot of other species, too."

"Yeah," I said, relieved that it had caught my drift without me needing to clarify further.

"Uh, well—I just meant that there was a lot of me. Not a lot of me, individually, but, my kind. But, like, other aliens out there?" It shook its head, dubiously. "Yeah, I don't—I don't think we really know."

"Oh. Okay. So, we're the only people—I mean, other aliens—you've ever met?"

It paused a moment, seeming to really take it in. "Yeah. I guess so."

"Wow. That's interesting..."

"Right?"

I exhaled, still grappling with the enormity of the conversation I was having with this real alien in my living room. Definitely not how I thought my day was going to go, that's for sure.

"I have another question," I said.

"Fire away."

"Are you telling everybody?"

The alien nodded again. 

"Yeah, yeah. We're telling everybody. In fact, after this, I'm going to your neighbors on this side of you," it pointed toward my wall behind the couch. "Is that west? South? The next house over. To tell them, too." Then, rushing to add, so as not to seem rude, "But only when we're done here. I'm not in any rush. I've just gotta tell two houses and I'm good."

"I see," I said, contemplatively. "That's actually really nice of you guys."

"Thanks," it said, looking down and nodding.

"So, what are you all going to do next?"

"What do you mean?"

"I dunno. Like—are you going to hang around for a while, or keep going in space, or... ?" 

"Oh. We haven't really talked about it. Some want to hang out. Some want to keep going. I think we just were waiting to see how this went, first." 

"Ah, sure. I gotcha." 

A brief pause.

"Can I just say," it said, putting a hand out in a conversational tone. "You've really taken this really, really well."

"Oh. Really?"

"Yeah," it said emphatically.

"Well, thanks."

"Absolutely," it said. There was another pause. It suddenly felt as though we'd come to a natural stopping point.

"Well, I don't want to take up your time," it said. 

I also didn't want to keep it longer than I needed to. Especially if it had another house to get to.

Besides, I didn't really have any more questions.

"Sure, that's fine," I said, standing up. It stood up, too, and for a moment we both just stood there, facing one another.

"It was really nice to meet you," it said, nodding and putting its hands on its hips, comfortably.

"Yeah," I agreed. "Me too. I mean. It was nice to meet you, too."

It laughed and began to saunter casually back the way we had come, around the couch and toward the door. "You've got a really nice planet, by the way."

"Oh, yeah. Thanks. It's—we like it. I like it." 

"Yeah," it said, reaching toward the door handle. "So, um, I don't know if I'll see you around, but take care."

"Yeah. You too."

"Oh, and, if you don't mind," it said, halting, "Don't mention this to anyone just yet. I mean, you totally can if you want to. But we've been trying to tell everybody before word gets out. Y'know?"

"Oh," I said. I hadn't really thought that far ahead yet. "When do you think I could—?"

Sensing my question, it bobbed its head left and right, estimating. "I dunno. There's a lot of people to tell."

"I imagine," I said, chuckling.

"But, I dunno—I guess you could probably talk about it later today, maybe? Maybe tonight? Is that okay?"

"Sure!" I said, laughing a little. "I'm sure people are going to be really excited about all this. I hope everyone's cool about it."

"Yeah," it said. "Me too." Then, a pause. "Well, guess I'll be going."

"Sure. Thanks for coming by."

"Thanks for having me," it said in a friendly tone, then added, "Keep existing."

"You too," I said. 

It opened the door and stepped out. I watched from the open door as it descended down my little porch steps and looked up at the sky.

"Nice day," it said. 

"Yup. It's been cooling off now."

"Oh?" it asked. 

"Yeah," I said. "It's getting toward autumn."

"Oh, right! Of course." Then, repeating the word again, savoring it, it said, "'Autumn'," followed by a little laugh. At last, it turned to me again and said, "Well. Bye."

"Bye." I waved a little, but it was already walking away toward my gate. 

I watched as it walked away, turned, and passed in front of my yard in the direction of my neighbor's house. There it was. An alien. It existed! And it came down to tell me, in person. I stood and shook my head, amazed at the odds. 

What a crazy world.

I watched as it neared my neighbor's gate. Irene—the old lady with two old dogs. One of them was blind and could be a little mean.

A shadow of concern crossed my mind. For a second, I wondered if I should say something about the dog. Maybe that the alien should just be aware of it, and be careful?  

But the alien was already so far away. I'd have to shout. And would it feel like I thought it couldn't handle it? 

And we'd already said goodbye and everything.

So, in the end, I didn't end up saying anything, assuring myself that aliens had to know about dogs. I mean, they knew about us. They have to know about dogs, right?

I went back inside. I couldn't wait to tell someone that aliens were real. But, the day passed, and by the time evening came, everyone already knew.

When I finally felt like I could bring it up, everyone had already talked with an alien, and everyone seemed pretty cool about it. I mean, I'm glad it worked out alright. 

I just wasn't expecting it to happen like this, was all.

So, I thought I'd just write out my experience here, on my blog. Just on the odd chance that you hadn't heard yet.

Aliens exist. Wow.

I wonder if there are other aliens out there, anywhere.