The Napping Club

I was in Boy Scouts of America.

But that was a long time ago.

Still, I knew all the tricks. 

The first thing I learned was how to quietly hike in the woods to increase your chances of seeing natural wildlife, undisturbed. 

It helps if you see the bear first before it smells you.

Knowing how to stealthily hike in the outdoors can help you catch fleeting glimpses of skittish creatures that would otherwise be alerted by an unwary footfall. If you're in a wilderness survival situation-- that can also be the difference between eating and going hungry.

But knowing how to stealthily hike in the outdoors has other unintended benefits. In addition to catching glimpses of wildlife in its natural setting-- you sometimes have the opportunity to encounter earnest efforts of society to commune with nature, such as the time I happened upon the Napping Club while going on a trek through the high arid montane forest.

There I was on a brisk morning jaunt-- chill enough to see my breath hanging in the air in front of me as I wound my way carefully but alertly through the tall and ponderous Ponderosa-- when I came upon a clearing in the dell. There, near the crest of some granite outcrop upon a hill overlooking a deep green valley below, lay a series of a dozen or so sleeping bags, yoga mats and foam rollouts-- with what appeared to be a slumbering pentagenarian atop each one. Some were flat on their backs, others sprawled out on their bellies-- and yet others were still in a fetal position, curled up on their sides. A sonorous bellowing issued out of them en masse as some deigned even to snore into the otherwise still and silent forest air. I looked at the group in shock, at first wondering if I had stumbled upon a community of overnight campers whose tents had been stolen straight off from on top of them as though a giant had come and lifted each one off from on top of its sleeping occupant as effortlessly as pedals of a flower can be pulled from its peduncle.

It was as if I had by chance interrupted a herd of sleeping deer-- but instead of deer, it was a gathering of slumbering aunts and uncles; not mine, but surely they were someone's aunts and uncles. 

Just as I was deliberating how to navigate this new and unexpected, unnatural obstacle in the landscape-- I heard an alarm begin to sound. It was the kind of alarm clock you'd see in a Tom and Jerry cartoon-- with a clockface and two brass bells that were struck by a tiny wagging hammer positioned in between. 

BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

The alarm blared on and a shocked and terrified part of me wondered if it had been me who somehow let loose the alarm. But presently a man at the front, who had been lying facing toward the others with his head toward the chasm overlooking the wilderness expanse beyond, gently arose and reached near his head to still the blaring alarm clock that had been set there. Others, nearer to him, began to stir-- but one or two others seemed to respond to the alert by doubling their efforts on snoring. 

I watched as one by one the once-sleeping gang of boomers rose from their doze. Some stretched, others yawned-- some rolled their necks in circles, suggesting there may be a kink in their muscles. I kind of woke up like that myself, earlier that morning, too...

"Oh," the man at the front said-- seeing me staring at them, wide-eyed and slack-jawed from the trees. "This must be a surprise." He chuckled politely. "Hello," he said, "I'm John. We're the napping club. Please, why don't you join us?"

Others turned to regard me. I was young enough to be their nephew. Some were uncertain. Could I be a safe inclusion into the Napping Club, even just as a guest?

Despite my uncertainty, I felt myself drawn toward the now fully awake members of the Napping Club. Someone had produced a spare yoga mat for me to sit on. When in Rome, do as the Romans do-- so when among the Nappers, do as the Nappers do. I sat, cross-legged, near the front close to John, as the ritual seemed to begin.

"Everyone," John called out-- in a lovely flute-like voice that was somewhat sleepy sounding itself, soft and passive. "Everyone wake up. It's time to come to. Wake up and smell the daisies," some laughed. If it was a joke, I wasn't sure I got it. John then seemed to address me, singularly. 

"We're the Napping Club. I'll bet we looked pretty striking all lying here, asleep, in the middle of the forest." 

I started to answer but was cut off. 

"We're the Napping Club," he said again-- like a mantra. "We figure, if we're going to spend a third of our entire lives asleep, we may as well do it in new and interesting places." 

More laughter. I got the sense that they'd all heard this before, even though it was new to me. 

"We get together and nap together in different places," John added. "It's a way to get outdoors while also catching up on your sleep." 

"Oh," I said-- looking around me, feeling the eyes on me, gauging my reaction. 

"Yes," John continued. "We had just finished up what we call a 'Smooth Twenty', and were just about to share some dreams. Did anybody dream?" 

Hands went up. 

"Great! Lots of active Nappers at it today. Does anybody want to go?" 

One little woman, gaunt-faced but wearing a frilly moo-moo over her luxurious frame, meekly raised her cupped hand. 

"Was it at least a PG-13 dream, Rhea?" John asked, gently, without accusation.

The little woman, Rhea, meekly retreated her cupped hand. Her dream had gone off the rails. 

"Let's try and keep it family-friendly today, Rhea. We have a guest." 

Rhea looked at me, placidly.

"You can share a dream too if you'd like," John urged, meaning me. 

"But I-- I wasn't asleep," I said, finally seeming to speak for the first time, it seemed. "I was hiking, just up this way..."

"Oh!" John said, in a jolly voice. "That's alright! We don't all always dream, not in a 'Smooth Twenty'. Sometimes we just share a dream we had had recently."

"Or a nightmare," another woman said from behind me. I didn't turn, her voice seemed cold.

"Sometimes," John added, enthused. 

"Well," I said, feeling the pressure. "Okay, but-- I'm not really sure what to make of this one."

"That's okay, sometimes we don't either. Please, tell us."

"Okay, well..." I cleared my throat. "Okay, I dreamt I was talking to a girl on the phone about when her ski slopes would be open." 

John again, "Sorry! I don't mean to interrupt. Is this a PG-13 dream, friend?" 

"Oh!" I said, imitating his demeanor somewhat, without meaning to. "I didn't mean-- no, it was like, actual ski slopes." 

"Oh, okay, sorry. Please." John then opened his palm in a gesture for me to continue.

"Okay, well. She kept saying they were closed, but for some reason, I was calling from the ski slopes, so I knew that they were open. And I kept asking her if she was sure the ski slopes were closed, and she finally said to me-- on the phone-- but it seemed like she was there beside me all the sudden, 'Sir,' she said, 'Just close your eyes for me,' so I did. And then she said, 'It's an amazing day outside,' and I said that it was. Then a man came up and put a hand on my shoulder and walked me to the exit of the ski slopes. I got the sense I needed to leave, but he was real disappointed and told me that I had gotten the girl fired because I guess she had been lying to me about if the ski slopes were open. I saw her then, as I was leaving, and felt like I had to do something. I walked up to her and gave her some money. But-- but then I stole her bike, which all the sudden I thought was really funny because I was laughing about it as I pedaled away. But there was a big hill and I couldn't get the bike up it. So I got off the bike and was walking it up the hill, and I felt myself grinding my teeth as I went uphill because of all the effort it was taking, until all of the sudden my front bottom tooth broke and fell out of my mouth. I caught it in my hand. I spit on it, and as I saw my spit land on it in my fingers, the tooth seemed to shrink and get real small. Like smaller than a baby's tooth. And I put it in my back left pocket, where I felt my wallet-- which struck me as weird because I always keep my pocket in my back right pocket. And that's when I knew I was asleep, and I woke up."