The Mayo Pill

Conspiracy theories are the junk food of political and social commentary.

They feel good because they tap into primal centers of our brains that satisfy without satiating.

It can sometimes feel as though we're really 'figuring things out,' 'getting to the bottom of big questions,' or 'finally pulling the wool from over our eyes,' which can impart a sense of liberation, self-satisfaction and mastery.

And before I go much further, it should be stated that I am not (necessarily) anti-conspiracy theory.

Because, as we know, conspiracies do happen—and theorizing about possible conspiracies can sometimes change the cultural tenor about specific and important issues.

But...

"Everything in moderation."

"Conspirasize" and "conspirascope" are everything.

Because we live in a world of compartmentalized, online micro-cultures, there's a subdivision of society—and socially acceptable thought—that orbits conspiracy theorizing. 

I used to think that certain corners of society were more prone or susceptible to conspiracy mongering than others, but the longer I live—and the more social power dynamics change over time—the more I realize that everyone is vulnerable to the mental trap of over-conspiratizing key cores of paranoia centers. 

Ideologically, you may decide that you are in favor of a thing.

To keep the thought-exercise nonpartisan, let's call it mayonnaise.

"I am in favor of mayonnaise," you say to yourself. "I think mayonnaise is a good thing, and I think that there should be more of it."

Let's say that you spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about mayonnaise, and how much you like it—and how good a thing you believe it to be—and how you might go about making more of it in the world.

And as with anything, you begin to see obstacles in the way of your mayo-mission. You are faced with finite resources, finite time and finite funding to make your mayo dreams a mayo reality.

So your pleasant thoughts about the benefits of mayonnaise have now changed into something else: thoughts about the limitations of your mayonnaise ambitions. 

When faced with these limitations, some people may begin to plan, and prepare, so that they may meet and overcome these challenges. 

Others may face the same limitations and bemoan their interference, because they distract from your vision: to fill the world with mayonnaise.

"Pesky circadian rhythm and having to sleep, wasting precious mayo-spreading hours of my time!" 

"Rotten supply-and-demand economics, limiting the amount of mayo I can purchase with the fruit of my labor!" 

"Goddamn people who require my attention, drawing me away from my passion for mayo!" 

And as you feel as though there are too many interruptions to carrying out your vocation to completion, a part of you may even begin to wonder if it isn't merely an accident.

Not completely a coincidence. 

Aren't entirely unintended.

But that would mean—they don't want you to succeed! 

Who?

Doesn't matter.

We'll figure that out later.

All that matters now, in this moment, is the unconfirmed suspicion you have that there is some governing force that is willfully, intentionally and diabolically preventing you from an endless proliferation of mayonnaise to the farthest reaches of the globe. 

This is far easier to do, and has the empty-calorie feeling of progress, than rationing your resources, scheduling your time, and strategizing your outreach to accomplish the same ends.

So you scheme, and you plot, and you dwell, and you consider, and you scour far and wide for anything, anything at all that will lead you even to the slightest hint that what you suspect may be true, until—after hours of endless toiling in your day to day life—during one of your frequent stops at the local grocery store—you see something uncanny out of the corner of your eye. You stop. You gawk. How could it possibly have taken you this long to notice... this.

Best Foods and Hellmann's are... the same?!

Questions like why does it matter dwarf in comparison to larger, more looming and potentially nefarious questions that suddenly fill your mind—which has already been primed for controversy—like what could it mean? Why did they do this? Qui bono - who benefits? Why didn't we know? Why weren't we told? Who decided? When was it decided? What are they hiding? WHO'S BEHIND IT ALL?

And because you have one thing to sink your teeth into, you are now ready to continue your search for "the truth"—no matter the cost—because you've become addicted to the feeling of un-duping yourself, and un-duping others. 

Forget The Matrix's red pill and blue pill. You've been mayo-pilled.

"This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the mayo pill - you stay in the mayonnaise factory and I show you how deep the jar goes."

Add to this—the more time you spend trying to dig to the bottom of a vast mayo-fueled conspiracy, the more your facts change to incorporate more and more information. You find other potentially dubious things out about the mayo industry, regardless of whether or not it connects to, well, anything else—but it's more facts! More information. And if you dig just a little deeper, maybe you'll find the "holy grail of mayonnaise" that connects all the fractal pieces of seemingly unconnected details into an expansive tapestry that fully and completely articulates what you've really suspected all along.

Someone doesn't like you asking questions about mayonnaise. Someone doesn't want the world to know the truth about mayonnaise. Someone would go to any lengths whatsoever to keep the "sheeple" from revealing what's really been going on.

"A pyramid... on the moon?!" "Is there any mayo in there?"

And the "great" thing about conspiracy theory culture online is that once you start concocting your own home-grown conspiracy theory, you can tie infinite imaginary connections to an established tapestry of others' conspiracy theories—adopting what parts of them that you wish to integrate into your own narrative, and discarding others that don't serve your purposes. And you may also feel even further emboldened both by others' work in this burgeoning field of conspiracy theory weaving, and secure in the sense your conspiracy makes compared to other wild and outlandish theories you come across.

Because, after all, your conspiracy theory is the truth; everyone else's conspiracy theory that you disagree with is lunacy.

And as you begin the process of carefully reviewing others' conspiracy theories, while also tentatively offering your own mayo-spiracy for others' consideration and, hopefully, contribution—like some twisted peer review process for half-baked fugue imaginings—you are now faced with something truly hard to bear, especially after all the time, energy, mental exertion and care you've put into uncovering the reality behind mayonnaise:

Criticism.

u/pattiemayoclinic | 3 hr. ago

just a bunch of random facts about mayonnaise? why don't we go back to posting actual real conspiracies again, people?

You read the slight, disparaging remark and think to yourself: how dare they? 

So you engage. Becoming increasingly enraged. How can they not understand? How can they not see? Maybe if I just articulate it a little clearer. Maybe if I just say it this way instead of that way. 

Maybe. Or maybe they're just willfully ignorant.

Or worse. 

That familiar thought enters your mind again. The paranoia sets in—both alarming and encouraging, because at least you're able to see the truth. 

They're in on it.

Because this is my larger point, and the purpose of this thought experiment. At no point will the committed conspiracy theorist ever concede a fact that goes against their predetermined conclusion.

Instead, the "fact" is incomplete; and if the full weight of the "fact" was known, you would see that it actually proves the conspiracy theory, not refute it.

What "full weight of the fact" do they mean? Well, obviously, it's been covered up so that only part of the fact that appears to prove the conspiracy theory wrong remained. "They" did it on purpose. "They" are only sharing the information "they" approve of. But when we know the truth—the full truth—the real truth—then you will see for yourself and know what I know. That mayonnaise is being purposefully kept from us. 

Evidence? Obviously they can't show evidence, because the evidence has been tampered with. Destroyed. Collected. Hidden. All we have is endless speculation.

And when anyone comes along to challenge the speculation with facts or logic, question their motives. Accuse them of being a part of the conspiracy. Accuse them of not holding their congressmen and congresswomen accountable to the American people. Accuse them of contributing to the New World Order. Accuse them of hiding the facts that would exonerate your beliefs about mayonnaise. 

This process goes on, and on, and on, without end. And the longer they adhere to it, the more committed to keeping it up they become. They become mayonnaise ideologues; mayonnaise zealots; mayonnaise acolytes.

Oh, they may veer from time to time. Dabble in other conspiracy theories. But the moment any little fact arises about mayonnaise, rest assured they collect it and compartmentalize it away in the storage bins of their mind where all their wildest obsessions are stored and nurtured and left to ferment, inebriating their good sense.

Conspiracy theories, by themselves, are fine. And I'll admit, they're even fun. 

But just like junk food, you have to exert some self-control. 

It's easy to go too far, and when you find yourself going down a rabbit hole, ask yourself:

Is there any basis to any of this? 

Realize, too, that what a lot of people believe to be conspiracy can often just be negligence or, at worst, incompetence. 

Is it more likely that a large cadre of bad actors are purposefully organizing an extravagant plot to deceive me... 

...or that people are just dumb or bad at their jobs? 

Believing that people are competent, and evil, is somehow more comforting to people than believing that people are incompetent and indifferent. Especially if we ask them to run our government, teach in our schools and engineer our airplanes.

Or manufacture our mayonnaise.